I recently attended a college planning night for my oldest son, Robbie. The school went over the college process and what to expect over the next 6-9 months. It was a bit overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it must feel for my son. Applying to college is certainly different now than it was back in 1990! I don’t recall feeling the pressure that kids do today. However, I was also that child that knew, at age 16, what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there. This brings me to today’s post. I am going to talk about meeting your child where they are and letting go of unrealistic expectations.
My oldest is a mini me. We share a lot of the same personality traits. He is a smart boy, who maintained excellent grades all through grammar and middle school. Like me, school came easy to him. Then he started high school. He is in honors classes and has found the adjustment a bit difficult. He actually had to study. Again, I was the same way. However, unlike me, he is not a fan of school. He does what he needs to do to maintain over a 3.0, but is not something he looks forward to everyday. He has been recommended for AP classes, but chooses to stick with the honors classes. He does not enjoy reading and he knows a bulk of those classes have a heavy emphasis on reading. We have had many battles on this. I know he can do the work and I pushed and pushed. He pushed back. This made the first two years of his high school career painful, for the both of us. Here, I had a smart child. He was my first born. Aren’t all first born children suppose to be type A? (i.e. like his mother) Don’t all first born children know exactly what they want to do and how they are going to get there? (again, like his mother) I just could not understand it. Then one day I got it. We were in the car headed to school. We were arguing about something to do with school. As we pulled up to the door of the school, he quietly said “I am not you. I need to figure it out myself.” Those words hit me. He was absolutely right. Though we may be very similar, he is not me. He is his own person and I need to respect that. I need to acknowledge his strengths and weaknesses. I need to guide him and yes, still push him to do his best, but I can’t force him to do something he is not willing to do. Now, some may say, well yes you can. You are his parent and it is your job to push. My answer to that.. know your child. If you child can handle the AP classes, the pressure of being in 100 different clubs or sports, great. However, if you have a child that can handle it, but will be downright miserable in the process, what does that do for anybody. To be clear, I don’t mean just whining because they do not want to do the work. I mean they are so miserable, they hate everything about it, then no, I am not pushing what I want my son to do down his throat. Since, coming to terms with all this, his junior year has been a much better experience for both of us. He is still in honors classes and maintains a B average. He has started to talk about the future and where he may want to go when he graduates. Will it be the path I took? That is yet to be seen, but I do know one thing. Whatever path my Robbie Rob chooses, I am and always will be proud of the young man he has become.
