Last week our oldest son, Robbie, turned 18 years old. It hit me hard. 18?!? How did this happen? How did we get here so fast? There were many tears shed as I scrolled through his baby scrapbook and photos I have on Snapfish and Shutterfly. As the saying goes, the days are long, but the years are short.
Motherhood is HARD, both physically and mentally. Nothing wears you down more than a toddler on the run 24/7 or a teenager who argues every single point. There is a reason I love to get up early even on the weekends, for 30 mins or so of quiet while I drink my coffee. I love those boys, but boy, sometimes silence is golden! As a Mom, I have questioned most decisions I have made for these kids. That in and of itself is exhausting!
Growing up, my parents always told me not to wish my life away. As Robbie (and Nicholas) were growing up, I would say the same thing. Though, I think I said it more for myself than them. Subconsciously I thought the more I said it, the more time would slow down. Boy, was I kidding myself.
Growing up these days is much different than when I grew up. Kids are always on the go, and my boys were no exception. Robbie played t-ball, soccer, baseball and then found hockey. Just last night, I was thinking of how many days we spent on the ice each year. For six years, from August to April, hockey was our life. There were early, early mornings and late, late nights on the ice. There were times I was in no mood. I would work all day and have to be at an ice rink, 30 mins away, for a 9:00 pm practice. Though I never wished the days away, because I knew how damn fast they would be over.
When Robbie entered high school, four years seems like an eternity. Yet, those four years have gone by faster than any others. Not only did he turn 18 this week, but he also finished up his college applications. He works a part-time job, he is growing a beard (despite his mother’s protests), he drives himself to and from places, and this weekend he is in NOLA to see a football game with my sister. I don’t see him as much as I would like because when he is home, he is hiding out in his room. However, I suppose this is preparing me for what the future holds. This time next year, I will be anxiously waiting for him to come home for winter break. I can only imagine the emotions I will be feeling then.
From the moment he was placed in my arms, he was mine. He was my baby boy. I would love him, protect him, and show him the world. What I didn’t realize until very recently was that he was not mine to keep. Though I would always love him, he was meant to spread his wings and fly. I recently read a blog post over at scarymommy.com. It said, “You know the minute you become a mother that someday, you will have to let that baby go. You know that they are not yours to keep, not forever. If you do your job right, you make yourself obsolete. That’s the goal. That is the point”. I don’t necessarily agree with the obsolete part, but I do understand her point. As parents, we give our kids what they need to go out into the world. We hope what we have taught them is enough. I hope they have the tools to make the best decisions for themselves and their future, for they are not ours to keep.
On September 5, 2019, the school year started much like the prior years. The boys got up, I made them a special breakfast (one of the few times I do make breakfast), and I had them hold up signs telling the world what grade they were attending this year. However, this year was different. This year, I have a senior in high school. It would be the first of many lasts throughout the year. This would be the last “first day of school” photo he would take. It would be the last first day of school photo he takes with his brother. In 235 days, he will cross the football field and receive his diploma. In a year, he may be a few hours away from home enjoying college life. How did this happen?
On December 2, 2001, I held my sweet boy for the first time and thought of this day. I remember thinking, wow, he will graduate in 2020, thirty years from the day I graduated high school. I quickly pushed the thought aside. I mean come on, 2020 is so far away. It will be an eternity before it gets here. Not so much. Here we are 235 days until graduation.
I was lucky, both my boys were great sleepers. I never had those neverending nights that I wished would end. I did not wish away the infant stage. I mourned each stage as it ended. Yes, even the stage when my kid was a total jerk! He had his moments. Never mind the terrible twos, we had the f***ing fours! Even then, I never wished the days away. Now here we are, 235 days until graduation.
Robbie is our first, and the only one for almost four years. On October 19, 2005, he became a big brother to Nicholas. I want to say it was love at first sight, but this picture says otherwise.
Robbie enjoyed being the big brother. He had someone to share his childhood with and someone to boss around. There was a time where the boys did nothing but fight. It was terrible. However, now, I can say they are each other’s best friend. They share the same love and passion for sports. Nicholas looks up to his big brother, and Robbie thinks Nicholas is the smartest person he knows. The boys spend a lot of their free time together. Nicholas misses Robbie when he is away. It will be an adjustment for both of them. They have never been apart for more than a week at a time. My heart aches for them. Sigh…235 days until graduation.
Over the years, we have taken the boys on lots of vacations. I intended to show them as much of the world as I could before they left for school. There have been multiple trips to Cape Cod, New York, North Carolina, Washington, DC, Walt Disney World, Aruba, Disney cruises, Canada, Alaska, Europe, and more. When I look to the future, I see trips that include only three of us, not four of us like that past 14 years. We have less than a year to squeeze in as many family vacations as we can before other priorities take hold of our boy. He has only 235 days until graduation.
I look at my son, and I can’t help to think of my Mom. She adored this boy and thought he could do no wrong. They had an extremely close relationship. When she passed away five years ago, he was devastated. She was his biggest champion. She was to help guide him through these teen years. There was a time I was so afraid he would not get past her death. Well, he did, and I believe it is because she has been with him the whole time. In 235 days, she will be right by his side as he receives his diploma. In 235 days, I will whisper, “He did it, Mom.”
We are now in our second full month of school. We have a few more college visits planned. Robbie has retaken the SAT and started the application process. I thought I was doing okay. Then last Saturday night I received an e-mail with his senior photos. Once again, I was reminded 235 days until graduation.
#DONTBLINK
