The last couple of weeks my son, Robbie, and I have been on several college tours. Robbie is a junior and just recently, has shown interest in the whole college process. Last month he had met with his guidance counselor and had a chat about what he wanted to study. Now, up until this point, he had shown very little interest in college, at least to me. He mentioned 3-4 schools to his counselor and said he wanted to study sports management. After doing some research, we narrowed the list down a bit and made some appointments to see the schools.
Since mid-April, we have seen four schools and have three more on our list. This past weekend we were at a university up in New Hampshire for an open house and tour. It is a bit further away and slightly bigger than the other schools. However, from the moment he stepped on the campus, he seemed to fit in. He walked over to the mascot and had his picture taken.
He was engaged during the tour and had a great conversation with members of the sports management department. During our lunch, I asked him what he thought. He told me that this school is now his number one choice.
As we were walking back to the car, I could not help but smile and be excited about what lies ahead for him. At the same time, my eyes filled with tears and my stomach felt like it was in knots. You see, whether he attends this school or another, in a little more than a year, he will be gone. He will be off on this new adventure. It is was at this moment it became clear, he was never mine, to begin with, he was only on loan. I also realized the one thing no one told me when I became a Mom.
It is an exciting time ahead, but there will also be some tears along the way.
By now, I am sure you all have heard about the college admissions scandal being blasted across the news. Fifty some odd people, including two famous actresses, have been accused of handing out bribes to get their children into college. Well some say, including me, what else is new? This has been going forever. Ever wonder how the majority of children of famous people end up at really good schools? Coincidence? I think not. In any case, I am not writing today to bash wealthy celebrities. I am writing to talk about what the heck are we doing to our kids?
I am a mom of a 17 year old junior in high school. From the time he entered high school, heck even before that, there has been all sorts of talk about what he needs to do because it looks good on college applications. There is pressure for kids to be in honors/AP classes, play a sport every season, volunteer, join a club, get a job and the list goes on and on. The kids put the pressure on themselves, but as parents we seem to do a pretty good job of doing too. Heck, I am guilty of it. The first two years of his high school career was a lot of me telling him what do to. Not just guiding him, but tell him to do A, B & C. I was not letting him figure it out on his own. I was not letting him fall and make his own mistakes. I was doing him a disservice and driving us both crazy in the process! You can read more about what we struggled with here. https://lifeatmyownpace.com/lessons-in-motherhood/
It is no wonder these kids are being diagnosed with anxiety. It is no wonder these kids have such issues problem solving. As parents, we are there every step of the way holding their hand, not letting them fail. If we want to raise self sufficient, productive members of society we need to stop. We need to stop pushing them into doing things they don’t want to do and stop preventing them from failing. It is so much easier said than done. Believe me, I understand. However, in the long run, this is what is best for our kids. I am sure going to try my hardest, are you?
I recently attended a college planning night for my oldest son, Robbie. The school went over the college process and what to expect over the next 6-9 months. It was a bit overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it must feel for my son. Applying to college is certainly different now than it was back in 1990! I don’t recall feeling the pressure that kids do today. However, I was also that child that knew, at age 16, what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there. This brings me to today’s post. I am going to talk about meeting your child where they are and letting go of unrealistic expectations.
My oldest is a mini me. We share a lot of the same personality traits. He is a smart boy, who maintained excellent grades all through grammar and middle school. Like me, school came easy to him. Then he started high school. He is in honors classes and has found the adjustment a bit difficult. He actually had to study. Again, I was the same way. However, unlike me, he is not a fan of school. He does what he needs to do to maintain over a 3.0, but is not something he looks forward to everyday. He has been recommended for AP classes, but chooses to stick with the honors classes. He does not enjoy reading and he knows a bulk of those classes have a heavy emphasis on reading. We have had many battles on this. I know he can do the work and I pushed and pushed. He pushed back. This made the first two years of his high school career painful, for the both of us. Here, I had a smart child. He was my first born. Aren’t all first born children suppose to be type A? (i.e. like his mother) Don’t all first born children know exactly what they want to do and how they are going to get there? (again, like his mother) I just could not understand it. Then one day I got it. We were in the car headed to school. We were arguing about something to do with school. As we pulled up to the door of the school, he quietly said “I am not you. I need to figure it out myself.” Those words hit me. He was absolutely right. Though we may be very similar, he is not me. He is his own person and I need to respect that. I need to acknowledge his strengths and weaknesses. I need to guide him and yes, still push him to do his best, but I can’t force him to do something he is not willing to do. Now, some may say, well yes you can. You are his parent and it is your job to push. My answer to that.. know your child. If you child can handle the AP classes, the pressure of being in 100 different clubs or sports, great. However, if you have a child that can handle it, but will be downright miserable in the process, what does that do for anybody. To be clear, I don’t mean just whining because they do not want to do the work. I mean they are so miserable, they hate everything about it, then no, I am not pushing what I want my son to do down his throat. Since, coming to terms with all this, his junior year has been a much better experience for both of us. He is still in honors classes and maintains a B average. He has started to talk about the future and where he may want to go when he graduates. Will it be the path I took? That is yet to be seen, but I do know one thing. Whatever path my Robbie Rob chooses, I am and always will be proud of the young man he has become.
