Lessons in Motherhood

I recently attended a college planning night for my oldest son, Robbie. The school went over the college process and what to expect over the next 6-9 months. It was a bit overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it must feel for my son. Applying to college is certainly different now than it was back in 1990! I don’t recall feeling the pressure that kids do today. However, I was also that child that knew, at age 16, what I wanted to do and how I was going to get there. This brings me to today’s post. I am going to talk about meeting your child where they are and letting go of unrealistic expectations.

My oldest is a mini me. We share a lot of the same personality traits. He is a smart boy, who maintained excellent grades all through grammar and middle school. Like me, school came easy to him. Then he started high school. He is in honors classes and has found the adjustment a bit difficult. He actually had to study. Again, I was the same way. However, unlike me, he is not a fan of school. He does what he needs to do to maintain over a 3.0, but is not something he looks forward to everyday. He has been recommended for AP classes, but chooses to stick with the honors classes. He does not enjoy reading and he knows a bulk of those classes have a heavy emphasis on reading. We have had many battles on this. I know he can do the work and I pushed and pushed. He pushed back. This made the first two years of his high school career painful, for the both of us. Here, I had a smart child. He was my first born. Aren’t all first born children suppose to be type A? (i.e. like his mother) Don’t all first born children know exactly what they want to do and how they are going to get there? (again, like his mother) I just could not understand it. Then one day I got it. We were in the car headed to school. We were arguing about something to do with school. As we pulled up to the door of the school, he quietly said “I am not you. I need to figure it out myself.” Those words hit me. He was absolutely right. Though we may be very similar, he is not me. He is his own person and I need to respect that. I need to acknowledge his strengths and weaknesses. I need to guide him and yes, still push him to do his best, but I can’t force him to do something he is not willing to do. Now, some may say, well yes you can. You are his parent and it is your job to push. My answer to that.. know your child. If you child can handle the AP classes, the pressure of being in 100 different clubs or sports, great. However, if you have a child that can handle it, but will be downright miserable in the process, what does that do for anybody. To be clear, I don’t mean just whining because they do not want to do the work. I mean they are so miserable, they hate everything about it, then no, I am not pushing what I want my son to do down his throat. Since, coming to terms with all this, his junior year has been a much better experience for both of us. He is still in honors classes and maintains a B average. He has started to talk about the future and where he may want to go when he graduates. Will it be the path I took? That is yet to be seen, but I do know one thing. Whatever path my Robbie Rob chooses, I am and always will be proud of the young man he has become.

My mini me

About The Author

Heather

51 COMMENTS

  1. Holly Bird | 11th Apr 19

    Your children are very lucky to have such a supportive and inspiring mom!!

    • Heather | 11th Apr 19

      Awww.. thank you. It means a lot.

  2. Nikki | 11th Apr 19

    Heather – I went through the same thing with my daughter. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her and ask what she was thinking. Now she has just finished college and is venturing into the world and it has been hard to not push her towards something I believe opposed to just being there for her. Her and I have had our battles for sure and I’m sure we always will. But in the end – she has really been a great kid and though I may not 100% agree with some choices she makes they aren’t bad choices – just not my choices. And the last bit of advice is this – did we really know what we were doing at that time in our lives? Today it seems like we did – but at this point as parents we have had some life experience that makes us more confident. I do find that as I let go a little we have an awesome relationship. Good luck to both you and your son!

    • Heather | 12th Apr 19

      Thank you so much for this. It helps to hear from other parents that have been through this. I remember thinking how hard it was when they were babies. The teenage years are a whole different story. Letting go is key. I struggle, but slowly getting better at it.

  3. Lina | 12th Apr 19

    I love your advice in that you reminded yourself that he is not you. Though similar he is not you. Going through the teenage years is hard. Definitely not that same as when we were growing up.

    • Heather | 12th Apr 19

      Hi Lina: No, it is not the same. There is so much pressure on these kiddos.

  4. Leigh Ann | 12th Apr 19

    I’m right there with you in the thick of it with college registration and planning! You are absolutely right that we need to let our kids be themselves and figure out who and what they want to be.

    • Heather | 12th Apr 19

      It is so hard! We have 4 college visits set up for this month, three next week while my kids are on break. Eeeekk!

  5. Meagan | 13th Apr 19

    This is a good lesson. So often we feel like kids aren’t doing all that they can because we see how smart and capable they are. We feel like they are wasting their talent. Sometimes it’s just that they still need to figure out where they want to go and how to use that talent.

    • Heather | 13th Apr 19

      Yes, they will get it, eventually.

  6. Susan Franklin | 13th Apr 19

    I agree – You do your best to guide and coach your kids, but ultimately, it’s their life and they need to make their choices, good or bad. You are so right, if you push them into something that makes them miserable, what’s the point and the end result? Misery! We (and they) learn valuable lessons from our mistakes and we grow. Your son is lucky to have your guidance and because of your love, he’ll figure it out!

  7. Michele | 13th Apr 19

    There’s a fine balance between giving your kids the push they need to get past their fears and letting them determine their own paths. It sounds like you are doing a great job!

  8. Junell DuBois | 13th Apr 19

    You’re doing a great job mama! They need your support but need to learn to do things on their own, even if that means falling from time to time!

  9. jen | 13th Apr 19

    I love the ‘he is not you’. Its a lesson I have to keep reminding myself of as a parent. Great job mom!

  10. Kim | 13th Apr 19

    I can’t image the college process these days. When I went to school it was fun and exciting. There was pressure to do well in school but not the same kind of pressure that there is now. Especially with how connected they are with email and online tracking!

    • Heather | 13th Apr 19

      It is awful nowadays. These kids are pressured started in middle school.

  11. Tiffany | 13th Apr 19

    There is way too much pressure nowadays. Just go learn, explore the world. I have four degrees and finally at age 40 figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up! And I am STILL looking at what else is out there! I feel for you!!!

  12. Cindy | 14th Apr 19

    Great insights that are so true! Having raised three kids, I know you are doing the right thing. They have to do what’s right for THEM. And sometimes their choices involve challenges and struggles. The best thing we can do is let them figure it out while cheering them on, offering support and being there when they want to talk. Creating a supportive environment gives them the freedom to be who they are and still seek out advice or a listening ear.

    • Heather | 16th Apr 19

      Thank you. At times, I feel like I second guess every parenting decision. It is the hardest job!

  13. Liza | 14th Apr 19

    I so agree with you! Way to be supportive and push your children to do ONLY what they CAN handle!!

  14. Jennifer Morrison | 14th Apr 19

    Great post! Yes, you really have to know your child, when to push, and when to hold back.

  15. Pauline Reynolds | 14th Apr 19

    With our teenager, it’s been hard stepping back and letting her figure out who she and where she is going, without her feeling resentful or forced. Especially when we feel that she is making poor choices. All we can do is continue to love our silly kids and support their decisions.

    • Heather | 16th Apr 19

      Exactly! It is a tough balancing act.

  16. Katie | 14th Apr 19

    What a great lesson and such powerful words! You seem like a fantastic mother 😊

    • Heather | 16th Apr 19

      Thanks so much. πŸ™‚

  17. Suzan | 15th Apr 19

    I have a daughter who is incredibly brilliant (just sayin πŸ™‚ )who is graduating college this May, receiving an invitation in Phi Betta Kappa (highest honors) and has ALWAYS done only the exact amount needed to maintain her GPA. It has been my life’s lesson to learn when to push and when to let it be. Thank you for sharing this!

    • Heather | 16th Apr 19

      Congrats to your daughter. That is wonderful.

  18. Brittany | 15th Apr 19

    All of this is so true, and we must let our children be themselves (with a little guidance, of course πŸ™‚ )

  19. janice sisemore | 15th Apr 19

    Finding the right college would be hard

    • Heather | 16th Apr 19

      Yes, it can be an emotional roller coaster.

  20. Carolina | 15th Apr 19

    I think you are doing a great job. I know as parents we always want to push our kids to do more because we know what they a capable of doing but we need to let them be and let them figure it out.

  21. Angela Greven | Mean Green Chef | 16th Apr 19

    Great job finding the balance!! It can be maddening lol I know been there, done that! It’s wonderful that our kids want to find their own way and start doing so at an early age. Which is a good thing because being a 30-year-old living at home playing video games would not be an option! lol

  22. T.M. Brown | 17th Apr 19

    It’s tough for mamas to let go a little and let the birds fly on their own. Our oldest is a sophomore in college and is taking his own path. We don’t understand it, but we have to let him take it. We are here if he needs us, to talk to us and to guide him the best we can…but he is not always going to listen. We have two behind him that are beginning to create their own paths, as well. There are tons of growing pains at this point in life – for them and for us. Hang in there, Mama. Hugs – you’ve got this.

    • Heather | 18th Apr 19

      Thank you! The struggle is real. We want to protect them, but at the same time we have to let them fail, or they will never make it in this big world. I have one more after him. He is still in middle school and so very different than his older brother. I have to keep telling myself that he will be okay. Good luck with your kiddos!

  23. Kathryn at QuestFor47 | 18th Apr 19

    I love your story! I would NEVER want to think about applying to college now, and I graduated not too long ago. It’s wild what it takes these days to get into school!

    • Heather | 18th Apr 19

      Thank you! The thought scares me as well. When I went, a long time ago, it was not this hard. Then again, I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get there. It is much different today. I just want my boys to be happy.

  24. Nicki | 18th Apr 19

    Finding balance is HARD! I worry about pushing my daughter too hard. I keep telling her she doesn’t need to do what I did (activities) but she needs to do something. We will see how this goes.

    • Heather | 21st Apr 19

      It is a balancing act for sure. It is a rollercoaster ride. I just hope and pray it all turns our alright.

  25. Annette | 20th Apr 19

    Life can be a struggle at times, and when our kiddos experience it, as parents, we just want to provide some answers to help them along. However for our children, growing up is also the opportunity to take parent advice and use it to guide their decision. It can be tough for us to watch, but with our support, our kiddos learn a great deal and are prepared for the next challenge. ❀️

    • Heather | 21st Apr 19

      Exactly! Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

  26. Nicoll | 21st Oct 19

    Beautiful post. As a new mom to a 5-month-old, I love hearing about the experiences and perspectives of moms with older kids. Thanks for sharing.

  27. Charlene | 7th Apr 20

    You hit the nail on the head. They have to figure it out for themselves. I am a teacher of gifted students, a career I fell into when my oldest was identified as gifted in kindergarten. I was the mom who had a ton of questions, so the coordinator of the program pushed me to get my license (I was already a regular education teacher). When my second child hated school, I had such a hard time with letting her make choices about dropping the honors track. I was a gifted ed teacher – How would it look if my gifted kid dropped the program?? My kids know that I am a good listener to reason, so she sat me down and explained all of her reasons for not wanting to stay in that track, and her solution made sense to me. She wanted to graduate in 3 years, so she was willing to double up on her core classes at the regular level, but she would keep her GPA up. And she did. She graduated a year early, with scholastic honors, with a 2-year scholarship to the local community college (which she accepted). She may not have taken the path I wanted her to, but she did better by finding her own path without me pushing her into something she didn’t want. Sometimes, we just need to let them go.

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